Thanks for all your kind words, prayers and thoughts.
This pregnancy has certainly has been a lesson in patience, determination and ultimately surrender.
The short story is that I had some weird bleeding at the beginning of my Easter break. I had planned each day with an inch of it's life. I had plans to paint the bed my dad and I made. I planned to paint our bedroom. I had lots of errands and social gatherings. I was busy with a capital B.
But, the bleeding was strange and gross and I thought "Welcome to your 40's" and called the doctor. Of course my beloved Dr. Dwight (real name awesome OBGYN in LA-seriously) was booked solid so I met with a new partner. Dr. Yamaguchi. She was/is terrific too. She told me I was pregnant, but that my uterus was full of blood clots and I would more than likely loose this baby. There was no way for her to measure how far along I was. She couldn't really see anything. My mind went totally blank and I couldn't think of dates either. I asked her if I should cancel my plans and go on bed rest. She assured me that there was nothing I could do to cause or prevent a miscarriage.
I told Cliff that good and bad news. The good news was, that after seven years of trying and six rounds of IVF and three miscarriages-we actually got pregnant on our own! And the bad news, this one wasn't going to make it either.
We cried for about 10 minutes and then I just went on with my life. I buried this pregnancy deep in denial and went on with all my plans. The bleeding continued for weeks on and off. At this point I was working after school and on Saturdays getting my students ready for state testing. Things at school were very stressful.
Sure I was tired, but hey that's the story of my life. Other than that I had no symptoms of pregnancy and on the few times when I allowed myself to even think about it, the lack of symptoms seemed to convince me further that this was not going to work out.
In early May, my family suffered a loss and I took two weeks off to mourn. I felt so guilty about being away from school, but I knew that I needed this time to rest. It was then that I remembered that I never did miscarry. So, I asked Cliff to take me back to the doctor to schedule the D&C. I figured the day already was sad and awful, let's just get all the bad stuff out of the way.
I couldn't even look at the screen. I did not want a memory of what wouldn't be. Even when Dr. Yamaguchi said, "Look at the four chambers of the heart." I was scared to turn my head. When I did, I saw an 11 week old fetus! It was too much, I just couldn't comprehend it all.
Dr. Yamaguchi advised us to wait until 16 weeks to announce just to be safe. I had 3 previous miscarriages to warrant a high risk scan at 12 weeks. Everything looked perfect there too. But, Cliff and I were still too nervous to get excited. At 16 weeks I was terrified because I wasn't feeling anything, but the doctors appointment went well. Still I was mum.
I went to a therapist to try and sort out what I can only describe as post traumatic stress syndrome.
Finally, at the 20 week high risk scan I could exhale. I was showing, but only a few people caught on. Most of my friends thought I was stress eating. Nobody said anything and I am grateful. The "telling" was so scary because "un-telling" is so sad and miserable.
Needless to say, the excitement our family, friends and you have shown is wonderfully overwhelming. I have cried so many times hearing that this person or that has been praying for me/us. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
The flowers and pink baby clothes were waiting for me in the guest room at my parents house. I spent ten days relaxing, swimming, and catching up with them. It was a wonderful way to start my second trimester.